Sleepless

Well, it's a little after 9 in the morning and I'm sitting here sleepless. I got home from work this morning after working 12 hour shifts the last four nights in a row. I should be exhausted, well I am exhausted but my heart is heavy. I knew this would come at some point with working on a pediatric oncology floor, and it's here. One of my favorite patients got sent home last night. Yet instead of rejoicing over her being able to go home because she is better, she was sent home because there is nothing else the doctors can do for her. She has 97% blast cells in her bone marrow and months and months of chemo were unable to touch that. This family is one of the most compliant families that we have on our floor. They do everything that we ask of them, never ever complain and are so gracious.

Needless to say, this just hurts all over. After taking care of her, comforting her and knowing that she's gone through bone marrow aspirates, lumber puncture after puncture, mediport and needle sticks, chemo side effects of nausea, diarrhea, skin breakdown, lots of pain, and medication after medication, there's nothing else that can be humanly done to help her. This is a hard place to be in the healthcare profession because the physicians train and have studied so many research protocols and to have all of their options exhausted just doesn't seem possible. But then again, how much can this precious 8 -year-old go through? At some point there has to be a determination that having a few more happy weeks outside of the hospital have to be better than several more months of chemo and pain. On the exterior she is a completely normal little girl who wants to be a dancing nurse when she grows up, her favorite colors are pink and purple of course and her favorite book is If you give a mouse a cookie- all displayed on a colorful art project outside her door. Well, her wish has been expedited and she will be off to Disney World on Monday. I pray it's a trip of a lifetime for her and her family.

I didn't post to depress anyone, I just really need to take the time to reflect somewhere to get it down and out of my system and to remember what a blessing she is when I look back at my blog 10 years from now. And as a disclaimer, my job is not always a sad job and there are thousands of children that have walked through our hospital doors that are living happy and healthy lives, as childhood cancers have much better prognosis than adult. Yet it some instances, we have to step back and really think about who is in control of our lives. When a team of experts fail, it is only the Lord who can truly heal and cover our human wounds. I ask that you pray for sweet Rachel and especially for her family and mother. Although I am sad for the entire situation and don't know what it will bring, I know exactly where she will go if the Lord decides to take her, as her family are all believers and this is my comfort. My prayer is for healing and not necessarily the healing of her disease, but for a healing that can only come from our Heavenly Father.